When we started dating, she told me she was a single mother. I wasn’t pleased that the information only came up at a time when we were together. Why didn’t she say anything during the talking stage? Even when I proposed love to her, she could have revealed that part of her life to me before saying yes. I felt deceived. It was as if she intentionally kept that information from me until we got to a point where she knew I would feel bad about leaving her. And it was true. Although I was unhappy about the information, I couldn’t leave her.
As we progressed, I noticed that she loved me more than I loved her. I felt it wasn’t fair not to love her fully, so I tried to break up with her. However, I didn’t want to hurt her. The guilt of the pain she would feel made me stay. “Maybe if I spend more time with her and give her all my attention, the little love I have for her will grow,” I thought. However, the more time I spent with her the more difficult it became to fall in love with her. She has this habit that completely puts me off.
Whenever my girlfriend visits me, she would lie in bed. Yes, that’s all she does the entire time she is here. She would lie in bed when she is awake, and then sleep for long hours. Even when she wakes up, she wouldn’t get up and look for food for us to eat. She would lie there till I go and find us food. This behaviour has persisted for the five years we’ve been together.
Within this period, she has gotten pregnant twice. We weren’t ready for a baby so we got rid of both of them. Because of what we did, whenever I tried to break up with her, she would say, “I got rid of two pregnancies for you, and now you want to leave me?” I would feel like the worst person in the world. Then I would rescind my decision to break up with her. At this point, my guilt is the shackles holding me bound to her.
One of the times I tried to break up with her, her mother called me saying, “Kumi, I had a dream that you left my daughter and she was in so much pain that she ended her life. Please, whatever your problems are, I don’t want to lose my daughter because of it. She loves you so much, can’t you see it? Please, stay with her.” How could I say no to a concerned mother’s plea? I continued with the relationship because of this.
All this while I continued to stay with her, I was hoping the love would grow but it didn’t. I know I am fond of her. Whenever she is not around, I miss her. But when she comes to me and lies in bed all day, I just want her gone. When that happened, I would try to break up with her and she would guilt me into staying. It is one toxic cycle we built with our hands. I try to break free but she drags me back every time.
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We’ve been doing this dance for five years now, and there has been no progress made. I am not young anymore. I have gotten to a stage in my life where I want to settle down. I am tired of being a boyfriend. I want to be a husband, and if all goes as planned, a father. Here lies the case I am in a relationship with someone I don’t love. If I move forward with her, I will be looking forward to a life of misery. That’s because she does not make my heart feel alive.
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This is my dilemma. Should I go ahead and marry her even though she is not the one my heart wants? If not, wouldn’t it be cruel of me to leave her after we’ve been together for five years? It won’t matter that I kept trying to leave and they used guilt and emotional blackmail to keep me tied to her; they would say I wasted her time. Meanwhile, she is the one who wasted all of our time.
I know she will never forgive me if I break up with her. So if I stay with her, is there the smallest chance that I will eventually fall in love with her? Maybe when I pay her bride price and she becomes my wife, I will love her? Has anyone had this experience before? How did it work out for you? I know I will never be able to let go of the guilt if I don’t marry her. I would have wasted five years of her life. That’s unforgivable, right?
—Kumi
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