I Invited My Former Lover to Move In With Me. Then I Saw What He Looks Like.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

Twenty-two years ago, I (a 46-year-old, gay man) met “Jay.” He was three years younger and extremely hot. Think of an all-American type of handsome: sandy blonde hair, green/gray eyes, and an athletic build. I figured he was out of my league, but he chased after me and would not give up until I agreed to a relationship. I resisted only because I was still in the closet, and I figured he would wise up and realize he could do better. But he brought me out of the closet, and for nine years we had a really rewarding relationship with a lot of hot physical action. I was turned on just by his glances.

However, he got a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity several states away, and I was invested in a business with two other guys so moving was out of the question for me. We parted and tried to make long-distance work for a year or two. We then decided to see others but determined we’d always be ready to get back together when the situation allowed. After 13 years, the situation has finally changed and made that possible. We communicated with each other four or five times a year over these 13 years but did not stay in constant contact. Well, we both jumped at the opportunity when we realized our careers were now in sync. He sold his home and came to live with me. When I answered the door, I was stunned.

I’m unsure why, but we had not exchanged photos over the years. I figured he would look older, and that would be no problem. I look older too. But he is about 60 pounds heavier; grew his hair out and has it colored a very unnatural color; and has a large tattoo on his chest, his back, and another on his bicep. He is the same wonderful guy he always was as far as his personality and character. He makes a perfect roommate. But I have never been physically attracted to overweight people and large tattoos have always been a turnoff. And the hair… Anyway, the first several times we got it on, I had erection issues. He was very caring, and said not to worry, that every man experiences it. But I had never experienced ED before and knew the source of the issue was that I just was not physically attracted to the “new” him. He got me some Viagra, and now with the help of the blue pill, and imagining I am with someone else, things are going better. Of course, that is far from satisfying. My question: Is it rude of me to ask him to make some changes so that we can get our old mojo back again? Or should I just be happy he is my roommate, and look elsewhere for attraction? I am sure that will also hurt him. I am 100 percent in love with him. But he is just not physically what attracts me. If he had a natural hair color, lost 60 pounds, and wore a T-shirt, I would be wanting action every night.

—Disappointed and Frustrated

Dear Disappointed and Frustrated,

This question really gets at the practical implications of attraction. We can talk about the effective discrimination at play when we reject certain aspects of potential partners’ appearances, but what happens when you literally can’t get it up for someone? It’s not a foolproof litmus test, but it can be a good indication that this person isn’t the right sexual match for you, and that seems to be what’s happening here.

I do think it would be rude for you to ask him to make changes, especially as they pertain to his weight, because that can be a really hard thing to change and if he should be unsuccessful in that endeavor, what he leaves that failed attempt with is the knowledge that you’re fundamentally unattracted to him. Let’s take him changing for you off the table for a second—time has passed, and you’re no longer feeling the spark as a result of multiple alterations to his appearance (the hair, the tattoos). But these alterations are no accidents. These are the products of choices that he made and your taste is not compatible with those choices. Maybe he likes how he looks and wants to hold onto it, just like you want to hold onto your taste. Just as him asking you to change your taste would be ridiculous, it could be taken as ridiculous that you ask him to change for you.

But! Something does need to be said because you’re not happy. I think it would be better to begin the conversation generically: You love him, but you aren’t really feeling that spark sexually with him. If he asks why, you can deflect or again, vaguely say for superficial reasons. If he inquires further let him know about the hair and tattoos thing. Let this be information that he solicits because he wants to hear it, not a bulleted list of requests you hand over so that you can continue your relationship. There’s a chance that he is feeling the lack of passion as well and would like to explore solutions, whether that means making some kind of compromise or discontinuing sex with you in pursuit of others. You have the option of staying together, in love, and not having sex—it’s definitely something that happens and it might be the way to retain the relationship that you prize.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 31-year-old transfemme (she/they) with borderline personality disorder. Through most of my 20s, I was in one volatile, passionate relationship or another, most prominently a disastrous marriage. With the help of therapy, medication, self-reflection, etc., I’ve finally gotten myself into a stable place with two ethically nonmonogamous (ENM) partners.

My only problem is that I never really felt that spark with either of them. My first boyfriend took six months to even kiss me (it was peak COVID but still) and we’ve always burned very slow even as we do love each other. My second boyfriend is almost more like a casual thing that I asked for a label for because it had been so long and I thought it might move things forward, but alas. I crave the intense feelings of my past even though they nearly ruined my life. I want so desperately to have a fiery, intense romance but I don’t want to want that anymore. Is there a way to get rid of it?

—BPD Blues

Dear BPD Blues,

It’s extremely uncommon to come across a person who isn’t yearning for something. You might always want what you can’t have, but at least you have your stability to take solace in. I think taking inventory and reminding yourself why your life is the way that it is could be useful. You made a conscious choice to move on from those volatile relationships and effectively compromised on a lifestyle that is more mellow than passionate. You did this because you not only understand the alternative; you lived it.

I don’t think, though, that you have to write off having intense feelings altogether. You’re in ENM relationships, which means (at least theoretically) the door is open for more. Volatile and passionate often come as a package, but they aren’t inherently synonymous. You may find someone with whom you have charged-up sex and a fairly even relationship with outside of the bedroom. It’s all about locating the right person—as long as that’s possible given your current arrangement. With the right kind of attraction at play, you can theoretically find someone to whom you’re attracted and with whom you have super hot sex, but with minimal interpersonal connection. It’d be useful to define that relationship with the other person as extremely casual/no strings so that they know not to expect much more than sex. If you go into it consciously avoiding the potential love/relationship aspect of it, you just may strike the needed balance.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a 43-year-old male and have been married for 12 years to a loving woman and we have two young kids whom we adore with all of our hearts. However, I have always had some homosexual thoughts and often watch gay porn to keep me entertained. I have never had sex with anyone besides my wife. When I have sex with my wife, it is fulfilling, and we both pleasure each other. But I have never been keen on having sex with her daily.

Recently, after going through a journaling app that was supposed to help me with chronic pain, I had a horrible feeling that I am supposed to be with a gay partner and I have been fooling everyone all my life. I am now getting triggered by every man I see on the street. Lately, I have been having anxiety attacks when I need to sleep with her in the same bed. I divulged this to her and the experience has been very painful ever since. On one hand, I love our kids and know that they will be scarred for life if we separate. On the other hand, I cannot get rid of my anxiety and I keep telling myself that I’m gay. How can I make my anxiety go away?

—Married and Anxious

Dear Married and Anxious,

The first thing you should focus on is relaxing. I mean that: Put effort into and focus on relaxing, however that looks for you. Whether it’s hanging with friends, exercising, meditating, getting a massage, talking to a therapist, etc. All of this seems overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Your gay epiphany (gaypiphany?) doesn’t have to rewrite your life. You are still the same person you were before your realization. Even if you were “fooling everyone” all your life, it took everything that led up to that moment to get to honesty. It’s all been part of the journey.

As you say, you’re experiencing anxiety. That’s key here, because I think it may be distorting your thoughts or at least making them more difficult to process. It seems like the intrusive thoughts you’re having center on the identity aspect of being gay, not the I-want-to-have-sex-with-guys part. In fact, you seem OK with what you have experienced connected to that aspect, i.e. gay thoughts/porn. At least OK enough with it that you weren’t getting triggered or writing into advice columns about how to handle it (as far as we know). I don’t know if you were compartmentalizing before opening that journaling app, but it strikes me as not fully reasoned that you seemed to jump to, “Am I gay?,” and not, “Am I bi?” You don’t even need labels at all, really, especially not at this juncture, and yet that very label seems to be the point of your fixation. Also, leaving your marriage won’t necessarily scar your children for life. Yes, some kids have a really hard time with their parents separating, and yes, for some that hard time can last for years, but it’s hardly the foregone conclusion you present it as. Counseling, compassion, and communication can help keep a sad situation from becoming a worst-case scenario. You can start some of that work now by seeking out counseling for yourself, if you haven’t already.

Because intrusive thoughts so often accompany OCD, I think you should look into homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder (HOCD) or sexual orientation obsessive-compulsive disorder (SO-OCD). From over here, I can’t, obviously, make the call that you’re experiencing it, but I want to put it on your radar in case it resonates with you. The authors of this 2015 case report describe HOCD as being marked by “excessive fear of becoming or being homosexual. The subjects often experience intrusive, unwanted mental images of homosexual behavior. The excessive uncontrolled thoughts/doubts are very distressing and lead to compulsions in form of checking.” The subject of this particular study did have same-sex contact, to which a lot of his angst was attached. Further:

He constantly had doubts about his sexual orientation. He was not able to control himself thinking about the same sex relationship. These thoughts were very distressing to him. He was worried that people of same sex might find him attractive and tried to avoid them. As an instance he ran away from the park when one of the elderly males tried to touch his face.

The subject was treated—through a combination of antidepressants and therapy—and his condition improved. I point this out as a possible path of inquiry for you (especially if you’ve exhibited other OCD-like behavior before). You asked how you can make your anxiety go away. I don’t think you’ll make much progress there without exploring what this revelation actually means to you beyond your discomfort with it.

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I never thought I’d be in this position. I am married and love my wife (30s). A gorgeous woman at work who works in a separate department (same office building) struck up a conversation with me one day at an after-work event, and she later added me on social media. I posted a photo one day and she replied flirtatiously in DMs, but she is also married and I didn’t think anything of it.