One of the many joys of working at SELF is that we get to regularly chat with interesting and accomplished people and can pick their brains about wellness and self-image. One of our favorite things to ask them about is the important life lessons they wish they’d learned sooner, which we do in a cross-platform series called Advice to My Younger SELF. Now we’re bringing the hard-earned wisdom of your favorite celebrities and athletes to audio, so you can hear it from them directly.
For the inaugural episode of our new podcast, SELF’s editor-in-chief, Rachel Miller, spoke to soccer champion Ali Krieger, our January cover star. They talked about four key moments in Ali’s life: her childhood, her coming out, when she didn’t make the US National Team, and when she became a new mom. She also shared the best advice she’s ever received. You can listen to it on your favorite audio app, and access the transcript below.
Transcript
Ali: I was open to anything at the time because I was just like, you know what? I could be free. And this is me, and let’s just see where this goes.
[intro music plays]
Rachel: Hello, and welcome to the New SELF podcast, advice to my younger self, where we talk to our cover stars about the things they wish they’d known earlier. I’m SELF’s Editor-in-Chief Rachel Wilkerson Miller, and I’ll be hosting each episode.
Our first guest is SELF’s January cover star Ali Krieger. You may know Ali is a decorated soccer player who is coming off a national Women’s Soccer league championship win with New York, New Jersey, Gotham last season, which also happened to be her retirement season. But Ali is quick to remind people that soccer is just something she does, it’s not who she is. So I’ll also add that she’s a vocal advocate for important social justice issues, a mom of two and a great friend to her nearest and dearest. I had the pleasure of interviewing her for SELF’s January cover story, which is out now, and I’m so excited to be talking to her again today. Ali, welcome to the show.
Ali: Hi. Thank you so much for having me.
Rachel: Of course. So let’s get into it. Um, the first time we’re gonna ask you, or the first younger self I’m gonna ask you to give advice to is your childhood self. So before we get into the advice, I’d love to know what were you like as a kid?
Ali: I, um, I was shy. I was reserved, um, somewhat calm. That’s definitely not how I am on the, on the soccer field.
Rachel: (laughs).
Ali: But I, I just followed my brother around all the time. He was super active and, um, you know, just always wanting to play and, and hang out. So we had to really, we had a really good childhood. I feel like everything was at our fingertips. We grew up in, you know, uh, Dumfries in Northern Virginia. And, um, yeah, we were just hanging out with friends, playing sports, and just enjoying family time. Ultimately, I always wanted to just be around my brother hanging out, and I learned a lot from him too along the way.
Rachel: That’s so cute. And he’s 13 months older than you, right?
Ali: Yes, yes. We’re 13 months apart. Mm-hmm.
Rachel: That’s amazing. When did you start playing soccer?
Ali: I played soccer when I was about five or six. Um, I played with my brother on a team called Cosmos, an indoor team where we were like five and six years old. And, um, I remember our green jerseys and every time you’d score you get like a little, you know, iron on star on the back, and, uh, unfortunately I don’t think I still have that jersey, but it was really fun because I just wanted to be as good as he was.
Rachel: That’s really cute. Well, I, I guess, I guess you did catch up to him eventually.
Ali: (laughs). Yeah.
Rachel: (laughs). Well, when you think back on a time when you were a kid that you really could have used a little guidance from your current self, what comes to mind?
Ali: I think just only controlling the controllables. I think throughout life, you know, you have to fight through adversity. You endure a lot mentally, physically, emotionally, especially within sport. And it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to fail because when you do, you learn the most. And so I think, you know, just being comfortable in that chaotic, um, environment because along the way I learned that not every coach is gonna like me. Uh, not every coach is gonna value me and appreciate me, but you, you know, have to continue to, you know, go down this path that you want and in order to, to be as successful as you want and how you dream. I think just having that advice, uh, would, would help a lot of the younger girls like it, or, and boys like it did for me.
Rachel: That’s really great. And you mentioned you were shy. Was there anything that helped you kind of come out of your shell a little bit?
Ali: I think I was shy because my brother was just nonstop talking (laughs), so like, and I would just follow him and do whatever he did, so.
Rachel: Mm-hmm.
Ali: Um, and I felt comfortable in that. Uh, he was, you know, more of like, uh, a leader when we were younger and I just, you know, wanted to be like him and always around him. So, um, he would always do the talking for me. So I-
Rachel: (laughs).
Ali: … think, um, eventually I broke outta my shell, but I think early on I was just, I don’t know, just shy and reserved and then maybe soccer brought that other side out in me. And as, as I got older and I got, you know, better at the sport and I could feel that as a player, I, you know, gained more confidence.
Rachel: So the next younger self that I wanted to ask you about is what advice you would give to yourself when you were coming out. And I wanted to kind of preface this with queer people come out over and over again in their lives. So this question can apply to a specific coming out or maybe more when you’re coming out to yourself ’cause both are important. Um, so I guess to me this is about a coming out that felt really significant to you and what advice you would give yourself when you were going through that.
Ali: Yeah, for sure. I mean, going way back when my brother came out to me when he was a senior in high school, I think it was towards the end of his high school, um, career. Um, and he was moving on to college and he was about to go to spring break and he sat down and he told me he is, you know, he’s gay and he’s into, um, men and I, I didn’t really know what that meant. I was just happy that he expressed that to me and I said, “You know, I don’t care who you love, I support you either way, and I love you so much.” And so I think I’m lucky to, you know, I’ve, I’ve, you know, thought that at that age-
Rachel: Yeah.
Ali: … ’cause I just didn’t know what it meant, you know, we were-
Rachel: Definitely.
Ali: … we grew up in such a vanilla town and, um, you know, nothing was really visible when I was young. And so then moving on to college, I had this, you know, experience of seeing more visibility with, um, you know, queer individuals. And there were, you know, a couple pairs of, you know, individuals on my team who you know, came out as lesbian, but also just bi or, you know, just were discovering their sexuality at the time. And I didn’t really understand it. I just thought men could be together.
Rachel: Yep. Mm-hmm.
Ali: So I’m grateful that I finally stepped into that space because then-
Rachel: Definitely.
Ali: … a lot to me made sense, even though I had a boyfriend in college for like three and a half years. I then, you know, felt that there was something about me that might want to discover more. And, um, you know, going through this like self-discovery, um, and moving to Germany and playing there for five and a half years, I really, um, was more exposed to an environment that was, I think more accepting of, you know, um, my sexuality and discovery of myself. And I just kind of went for it. And I, you know, uh, was having really great experiences there and, and really finding myself more. And then coming back in 2012, um, that, that started with the NWSL and we started the league, um, and, and moved forward. And so I felt like coming back to the states with kind of this new perspective of, you know, life, but also, um, this new feeling I had of who I was as a human being and living my life, uh, more authentically and in this truth, I could then apply that to coming back home. And played in the NWSL. And then, uh, met my previous partner, um, and we were on the national team together. And then eventually in 2019, I mean, we were together for, since probably 2012, right around that time officially. And then from then till, you know, 2019, we didn’t come out really because we were afraid we were gonna lose our job. But that was my, you know, that was a partnership where I felt super confident, comfortable. Um, but I was, I wasn’t, as a public figure, I wasn’t wanting to make it, you know, um, as public because that was the only thing at the end of the day where I could have some privacy.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ali: And so that’s what I valued and that was more so the reason why I never spoke on it. Um, and also we had the same job, so I was afraid we were gonna lose our job.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ali: Playing at the highest level, you just dunno how people are going to react.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ali: And so I was more aware of that. And then, you know, getting sponsorship deals and things like that, I wasn’t sure how you know, people and brands were gonna react to, to me and, and her at the time. Um, but then in 2019, we just felt like, you know what F it. Like we we wanna live our lives true and authentic, and we eventually wanna start a family and like, this is us. Right. If you don’t like it, then bye.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ali: Um, you know, you need us more than we need you type of type of mentality. And so I think in 2019 was when we came out, um, as engaged. And then, um, the response was incredible. Which I never would’ve thought in a million years, um, unfortunately, which is crazy to say out loud.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah.
Ali: But I, I never thought that it would be as good as it did, all of our brands and sponsorships. We even had more opportunities-
Rachel: That’s amazing.
Ali: … after the, we made this announcement and not everyone goes through that.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah.
Ali: Right. Not everyone has that experience. And so I, I knew right away that okay, this is a situation where I feel super lucky and super grateful to be able to tell this story, uh, you know, a positive story of, you know, a queer couple or lesbian couple that, you know, had just come out and, and, uh, were engaged and he wants to live this life together. And so it, it, there’s no right or wrong way to do it, it’s just how you feel. And you have to make sure that it’s what you want, not what anybody else wants. And that the right time for you might not be when somebody else, uh, asks you or when someone else, I don’t know, puts it out there. It’s just, it’s, it’s about how you feel and how you wanna approach it. And I felt like that time was good for me and I was willing to take that risk because I was afraid that I was gonna lose my job and, and other things in my life. So I just went for it and I just, I just felt it in my gut that it was right.
Rachel: Yeah. That’s really nice. It’s really scary, es- especially when the stakes are high like that. And it’s, it sucks that we’re still in a world where you weren’t sure if it was gonna cost you endorsements or your role in this thing you worked so hard for. Like, but, you know, that’s the reality. I’m glad that it went so well for you, but, you know, it’s, it’s still really scary. It’s risky. I think it’s so interesting what you said about that lack of visibility, because I think we’re around the same age, and I’ve heard from so-
Ali: Yeah.
Rachel: … many women this age when they’re, who have had the reaction of like, “I didn’t know women could be gay.” Which is just, it sounds wild when you say that out loud, but like, I think we forget now because so much has changed. Like, it was like Ellen and that was it maybe, or like, maybe a joke on a sitcom, you know, like, it just, it was so different. And I think if you didn’t see yourself, you’re just like,”Okay, well I guess that’s not me.” And just like kept, you know, didn’t think about-
Ali: Yeah.
Rachel: … it again. And, and now so much has changed that a lot of women in their thirties and forties and older are realizing like, “Oh, this is something I was missing.” And I think that’s, that’s so exciting because like you said, it is this expansive process where you realize there can be more for you. It’s not, you’re not losing anything. You have, you get to open yourself up to something new and that’s so special.
Ali: Right. And I, you know, I, I was so happy that I was like, “Okay, this is what I’ve been feeling and missing. Like this is, these are a few answers now that I can take with me. That now I can kind of, you know, work on that and, and understand myself more on a deeper level,” where before in college, I was like, “Who am I? What am I doing?” Why am I feeling this way? This is weird.” Like, and, and so I feel now that I, from college stepping into, you know, my, um, my experience overseas, I was able to do a bit of self-discovery, which then gave me a whole new perspective on my life. And whether I wanted to be in a lesbian relationship or if I was, you know, experiencing, you know, more of bisexuality experiences. I, I was open to anything at the time because I was just like, “You know what? I could be free and this is me.”
Rachel: Yeah.
Ali: “And let’s just see where this goes.” And, um-
Rachel: That’s amazing.
Ali: Yeah. And you kind of just fill your cup slowly and you start, you know, really discovering yourself more. And I, I really am so grateful for that experience. Um, and, and finally being in a, in an environment where it was okay, uh, to, to be me.
Rachel: Well, I wanna pivot a little bit to talking about career stuff, because you’ve obviously had this really long career really, like filled with a lot of highs, but also there were some lows. Um, so I wanted to talk about the advice that you would give yourself when you didn’t make the National Women’s Soccer team-
Ali: Mm-hmm.
Rachel: … ’cause I think we all go through career setbacks, obviously, but with sports, I think it can probably feel incredibly personal and the stakes are very high. Uh, so maybe if you could start by kind of telling people what happened if they’re not familiar with the situation, and then the advice you would give yourself if you had to do it all over again.
Ali: Yeah. So I, um, was basically in 2017, I think was trying to continue to make the team, every year you’d have to fight for contracts every January at the time where it was you know, you would get a contract with a national team, and it wasn’t like a pay-to-play model where you get invited in now, um, at any moment. And so it’s always a bloodbath at a January camp where we’re all fighting to make the team. And at the beginning I did, but then slowly I had, you know, just, it was probably after World Cup in 2015 where things started to get a little rocky. And I started to recognize, “Okay, like there’s other players coming in and the coach doesn’t necessarily value me as much as before, even though I just played 2015 every game in the World Cup.” And it just, you know, it was a really difficult year for me. Um, slowly but surely, I, you know, stopped getting called in. Um, and I didn’t really get a reason for that. There was never really a, you know, kind of like a closure. That was why it was so difficult for me to move forward um, in my career at the time. And I was devastated. I didn’t get called back for a whole year and a half, almost two years. And right before the next World Cup, I get a call because, um, you know, they were in need of, of a defender. And I think I had proved myself, uh, through that time period, and I made it really difficult for them to ignore me. You know, just had the super laser focus of, “I wanna achieve this, and I know I can do it and I’m gonna do it.” And I’m, like I said before, I just made it difficult for them to ignore me. And so ultimately my coach at the time gave me a call. We didn’t really discuss the, the last-
Rachel: (laughs).
Ali: … you know, two years because I said, “I’m in a different space now. I’m in a different you know, um, you know, mentality. I am super focused on where I’m at. I don’t wanna bring up the past. Let’s just like move forward. What do you need me to do? I’m here for the team, I’m here for you, and let’s make it happen. Right? Like, I, I’m, I’m open to whatever you need from me, uh, in order to help this team be successful.” And so I ended up getting called back into the last camp before the team was chosen for 2019.
Rachel: Wow.
Ali: And somehow, some way I got back into the team right before it mattered most, and we ended up going to World Cup and we ended up winning. And I actually, um, I didn’t play as often as they did in 2015 and 2011. But I did get a chance to go into, um, two games. And then the final, I had to, she called on me, uh, when one of our right back, um, Kelly O’Hare, who’s my teammate now, she unfortunately had a bad head injury. It was like a concussion so, right before halftime. So then I get the call to, to go in and fill her spot-
Rachel: Wow.
Ali: … in the second half of the final. And I couldn’t believed that. I was just like, “Alright, this is why I’m here. This is exactly why.”
Rachel: Yeah. [inaudible 00:15:41] you spent years preparing for this.
Ali: Yeah. Like, just these, these 45 minutes. “This is why I’m on this team right now.” And we were 0-0 at the time. So I was so grateful that I could help the team win.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ali: And we won two, nothing. And so that, that’s kind of that experience. But I always tried to stay positive. It’s easy to to get, you know, into your, into your head and, you know say all the things and reasons why, you know you’re not there. But I immediately changed that perspective. I, trust me, it was a really dark time.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ali: And I remember, you know, uh, uh, just like wanting to just quit. And I was so frustrated, I was so angry for the longest time. But then I said, “You know what? Like, that’s not me. I, I know how good I can be and I know how I can help this team. So let me turn that on, turn that around into a positive and, and get to work.”
Rachel: Yeah. That makes sense. And sometimes it helps to let yourself have that period first-
Ali: Mm-hmm.
Rachel: … just to be mad and to feel bad, and to not talk yourself out of it, or try to fix it-
Ali: Right.
Rachel: … or go to the gym right away. Sometimes you just have to be upset-
Ali: Mm-hmm.
Rachel: … and angry, and then you can get through it. But you’re like, “I, I’ll, I’ll get there eventually. But today there’s a little time for wallowing and, and mourning and just, you know, feeling bad,” and there’s nothing you can do. But it sounds like you really brought a level of focus that I’m just sort of in awe. ‘Cause it’s hard enough to train, but training when you’re kind of down, when you’re already, when you’re coming from that like vulnerable position, I imagine is so much harder.
Ali: It is. It’s really difficult. Yeah. But you just gotta push through. And then, you know, as athletes, you know, everything’s at risk, right? But it’s worth it in the end if it works out. And so you never know that answer until you try.
Rachel: So the last, um, pass up I wanna ask you about is a little bit more recent. Um, and I wanted to ask you about the advice that you would give yourself as a new mom. So as people listening, probably know you are mom to Sloan and Ocean, who are very young. So you were a new mom not so long ago, which is a famously really difficult period. And I’m curious what you, what advice you would give yourself looking back now?
Ali: Um, I would just say (laughs) buckle in because (laughs), nothing ever goes as planned. You could prep all you want, prepare for, you know, anything and everything. Um, but it really just day-to-day, you have to be willing to, um, kind of just be open to whatever comes. And, um, you always have to think of what if as a mom. So, uh, it’s kind of like a spontaneous day-to-day. I, I never know what the day’s gonna bring. I’m as prepared as I can be, but, you know, some days the kids can be great, some days they be terribly sick, some days they’re gonna have tantrums, some days, you know, everything’s gonna flow perfectly. And, you know, all the meals are gonna work out. I mean, I, I literally think that, um, I would tell myself just buckle in because, um, you have to make sure you’re, you’re open to anything that’s, you know, that that could happen. And, and patience is gonna be key.
So no matter how my kids are acting or feeling, or I’m always trying to stay calm in the way that I speak to them too. Um, you know, if they’re yelling and screaming and then I’m yelling and screaming and saying, “Stop, or Don’t do this or that,” you know, that’s just not the way that I approach, um, you know, how I am parenting. And so I feel like if I stay consistent, even though sometimes I do wanna yell, and you gotta just like, you know, you get angry and you’re frustrated and you just need like, two minute break and you wanna lock yourself into the pantry. But I, I try to stay as calm as I can and just kind of have like, you know a steady, a steady response.
Um, and then I think kids, young kids, ultimately they don’t understand why they’re feeling certain ways that they’re feeling, whether that be really happy, sad, frustrated, all the things, uh, and all the emotions. I would tell myself just allow that to happen. And, um, and just embrace them more instead of tell them what to do about it. Because I would tell Sloan even now, ’cause sometimes she doesn’t understand her feelings that you know, I just try to give her a hug and console her and embrace her because I always say, “Listen, it’s okay to feel the way that you’re feeling.” Um, but if she’s say throwing things or hitting something, or I’m always like, “It’s okay that you’re feeling upset or sad or angry or frustrated, but it’s not okay to throw your things or your food or…” So I want to allow and give space for all the feelings and emotions because unfortunately as a kid, I don’t, um, think that I expressed my feelings and emotions enough. So I think maybe telling my younger self before having kids just allow your kids to feel those emotions and feelings and, and just embrace, uh, the tantrums and-
Rachel: (laughs).
Ali: … uh, the yelling and the crying and all the things, because those are emotions too. And those are just as important as being happy and excited and joyful.
Rachel: I think that’s great advice for new parents. But I also think it’s great advice for adults for themselves to just let themselves feel what they’re feeling and, and name, what they’re feeling and understanding why. I think a lot of people struggle with, you know, they, they know they’re feeling something, but it is hard to name it or to understand why they are, you know, maybe acting out or are doing something that they don’t, they look back and they regret. So I think just. all of us can probably benefit from pausing and thinking about our emotions, but not trying to stop them. But I imagine as a parent, you probably wanna step in and fix it, and it’s really hard to just like step back and, and let them feel what they’re feeling without intervening.
Ali: Right. And just giving them time to process.
Rachel: Definitely. All right, Ali, my last question for you, since this is about advice, is what is the best advice you’ve ever been given?
Ali: Okay. So Sue Bird actually told me this, and I think it was from Will Smith, a quote from him. I, uh, maybe we can fact check this.
Rachel: (laughs).
Ali: But, uh, when I was really going through that hard time, we went on vacation, um, with her and, and Megan and I had asked them both. I said like, “You know, what do you see? Do I hang out my boots? Like, am I that bad? Like, am I not… Like what am I not doing? Like what am I not seeing? This is crazy.” But she had said this to me that I had carried through every, ever since, um, and then she said, “As an athlete, or just even as a human being, um, if you stay ready, you never have to get ready.”
Rachel: Rachel here. So we did fact check this, just to be sure. Turns out Will Smith is known for saying, “So if you stay ready, you ain’t gotta get ready.” And that is how I run my life. But Dejuan Walker AKA Suga Free wrote and performed the 1997 single titled, If You Stay Ready and it includes the lyrics, if you stay ready, you ain’t gotta get ready.
Ali: And that is the mentality that I took into my training preparing to get back to the national team during that you know, tumultuous time. And that daunting, confronting time that I had, uh, those two years where I had kind of this whole self-discovery, but that was always in the back of my mind because I knew there was a possible phone call that would be coming. And I needed to be ready for that opportunity ’cause if I wasn’t prepared and I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t gonna make it So I think that advice was gold for me in that moment. And I just, um, I took that along with me, uh, through those, you know, two years and, and then eventually made it back. And, uh, it all made sense then. And so I’m really grateful that she had, you know, given me that advice and that quote to, to really keep, uh, in order to, you know, achieve what I wanted to at the time.
Rachel: Well, that is a really lovely note to end this on, and really good advice. I think that can apply to a lot of different situations. So, Ali Krieger, thank you so much for being here, being our first guest, sharing your wise words with our listeners, and we’re so excited to see what you do next.
Ali: Thank you. I appreciate the invite and I can’t wait to continue down this path and, uh, support SELF and your podcast.
Rachel: Thank you so much. Advice To My Younger Self was produced by Hayley Fager and Rachel Miller, and edited by Hayley Fager. Peyton Hayes is our audio production coordinator, and Jake Loomis is our audio engineer. Caitlin Brody and Sergio Kletnoy are our talent bookers.
Transcript provided by Rev.com.
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