FOR the last column of 2023, I provide my yearly Old Moore’s Almanac awards– assisted and abetted, as ever, by the indispensable feedback you send my method weekly.
It would not be the very same without you.
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Thank you, have a fantastic Christmas and Happy New Year, and I hope that 2024 brings you health, love and luck.
The ‘Duh!’ Award
Noteworthy reference: British traveler Ivan Dimitrov27, who provided a grovelling apology after being captured sculpting his name on a wall at Rome’s Colosseum.
His defence? That he didn’t understand it was an ancient monolith.
Saints maintain us.
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Runners-up: The social networks “influencers” who gathered to the launch weekend of a ₤ 1billion hotel in Dubai then unintentionally fell in to the “designer water function” that mixed in with the flooring.
Maybe it was efficiency art to reveal them that, contrary to what their fans may think, they do not in fact stroll on water.
WINNER: “Danger traveler” Miles Routledge who discovered himself recorded in January by the “Talibros” in Afghanistan and held detainee till his release was lastly worked out in October.
The 23-year-old YouTuber was airlifted out of Kabul by British forces 2 years previously, however returned once again.
Many check out in The Sun
His mum states he’s still “discovering himself” after university.
Problem is, it’s costing the state a little fortune to “discover him” too.
Virtue Signalling Award
Significant reference: Irish star Joseph McGucken for stating he felt “uneasy” seeing Bono’s child Eve Hewson playing somebody working class.
I have news for him.
Christian Bale isn’t actually an American psychopath either.
It’s called “acting”.
Runners-up: The Twitter mob who came down on Fiona Bruce with individual abuse when she made a basic legal information on Concern Time that the allegation of domestic violence versus Stanley Johnson was “a one-off”.
Regretfully, after 25 years as an ambassador for Refuge, she felt obliged to stand down.
Well done everybody.
Online bullying wins the day.
WINNER: Star Alan Cummings who has actually returned the OBE provided to him in 2009 since he “does not wish to be related to the “toxicity of the Empire” a simple 14 years after he at first stated he was “pleased” and had his day at the palace.
And the award for finest remarkable efficiency goes to.
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The Pull Focus Award
Noteworthy reference: Hayley Atwell’s large, loo-roll holder frock at the Mission: Impossible best. It looked like among Tom’s collapsed parachutes.
Runner-up: Rita Ora for her large cheek (actually) at the Vogue Forces for Change celebration in an absolutely transparent balaclava and gown with tactically put plastic flowers as nipple covers.
WINNER: Broaching strategically-placed plastic flowers.Maura Higgins used an eye-poppying attire to see the Tommy Fury/KSI battle at Manchester’s AO arena.
We will remember them.
The Heroes
RUGBY star Kevin Sinfield bring previous team-mate Rob Burrow (who has motor neurone illness) throughout a charity race goal, Greta Gerwig’s Barbie, England’s Lionesses Gwyneth Paltrow defending herself in the ski-gate lawsuit, Her Madgesty Madonna recuperating from a severe infection to do a worldwide trip, Tom Cruise assisting to keep movie theaters opting for his action films, Henri D’Anselme who utilized his knapsack to eliminate off a male stabbing a three-year-old British woman in a French park, Dame Joan Collins still placing on the Ritz at 90, the confidential lady whose proof assisted put killer Thomas Cashman behind bars, mum Becky Sharp hurt by an automobile after pressing her child out of the method, Georgia Harrison for going public with her vengeance pornography experience to project for other victims.
RIP: A fond goodbye in 2023 to Len Goodman, Jerry Springer, Barry Humphries, Tina Turner, Paul Cattermole, Harry Belafonte, Raquel Welch, Jeff Beck, Mary Quant, Tom Sizemore, Burt Bacharach, Nigel Lawson, Lisa Marie Presley, Gina Lollobrigida, Ryan O’Neal, Benjamin Zephaniah, Denny Laine, Shane MacGowan, Joss Ackland, Matthew Perry, Richard Roundtree, Haydn Gwynne, Piper Laurie, Michael Gambon, David McCallum, Roger Whittaker, Gayle Hunnicutt, Sinead O’Connor, Tony Bennett, Jane Birkin, Alan Arkin, Julian Sands, Glenda Jackson, Martin Amis and Sylvia Syms.
The Zeroes
THE “simply stop oil” lady who tossed orange confetti over George Osborne at his wedding event, our GPs (who we can’t get a visit with) sending us group texts in the summer season recommending us to consume water, kids who determine as felines and the moms and dads who let them, Hannah Ingram-Moore ruining her daddy’s tradition with ill-judgment, any business concealing poor customer support behind the “due to the fact that of Covid” reason, London Mayor Sadiq Khan for gridlocking our capital city, Vogue publication for calling trans bicyclist Emily Bridges in its “power females” list while stopping working to discuss any biologically female sports stars, those who stopped working to listen when healthcare facility personnel alerted them about killer nurse Lucy Letby
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The Total Take Down award
Noteworthy reference: Spotify employer Bill Simmons who states that a person day he’s going to eat in restaurants on his call with Prince Harry about podcast concepts, which, considering he then called the Sussexes “grifters”, I’m thinking was lacking creativity.
Runner-up: Cent Mordaunt comparing Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer to “beach Ken” due to the fact that he “represents absolutely nothing, on moving sands in his flip flops gazing out to sea” and his weak record recommends that, likewise like Ken, he has “no balls”.
Ms Mordaunt, nevertheless, plainly has.
WINNER: South Park’s satire (or was it?) of Harry and Meghan on their “around the world personal privacy trip”.
Their utter hypocrisy remarkably skewered in 3 little words.
Nancy Doolally-o Award For Services To Delusion
Noteworthy reference: JK Rowling’s ex-husband who states that he assisted her to compose the very first Harry Potter book. Yeah.
Fantastic, isn’t it, that she’s handled to compose a squillion other, enormous effectively books without his assistance?
Runner-up: Faryal Khanpartner of fighter Amirwho has actually simply taken him back once again after the current of numerous reported misbehaviours or “ridiculous things” as he easily dismisses them before explaining his other half as “really flexible”. She requires to be.
WINNER: United States tech magnate Bryan Johnson who follows a rigorous diet plan and workout regimen, takes 80 vitamins a day and scoffs 70lb of puréed veggies a month in the pursuit of “fountain of youth”.
He states, “I presently have no strategies to pass away”.
Unless, obviously, he gets struck by a Greyhound bus while crossing the roadway to the mung bean shop.
The ‘Leave It Out’ Award
Significant reference: The “web sleuths” who believe they’re bloody Columbo and obstruct of correct cops work.
They would not let somebody cut their hair who wasn’t trained, so why do they believe they can resolve a criminal activity much better than a skilled investigator? Bore off.
Runner-up: Previous fighter David Haye who stated of his “throuple” with 2 females“I have actually discovered myself in the business of open-hearted people who view me through the lens of my day-to-day action, instead of the social expectations passed off upon a male of 42”.
Plainly they’re not with him for his sense of humour.
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WINNER: Anybody who goes to the theatre and believes they can sing much better (and louder) than the expert on phase they’ve in fact paid to see.
You can’t, so please do not, and let the rest people enjoy it without the subsidiary caterwauling.