I adore my husband. We’ve been together for seven years (married for one), and I care very much about being a supportive, empathetic, and fair partner. But every once in a while, despite all that, I snap at him in a very uncool, unnecessary way.
Take last week, for example. You see, I hate our bed. At some point in the last year, part of the frame broke, and now whenever one of us moves the whole thing rocks and it feels like we’re at sea. We’ve agreed to get a new bed and have set aside the money for it, but because we’re imperfect little humans, we haven’t gotten around to replacing the old one yet. Which is why at 11:30 p.m. the other night, right as we were both drifting off, my husband stirred, causing the frame to shake, me to get pissy, and, like an absolute loon, huff, “I fucking hate this bed! Please stop moving!”
Michelle Herzog, LMFT, certified sex therapist and founder of the Center for Modern Relationships, tells SELF that this type of blow-up is incredibly common. In other words, no shame if you can relate—maybe you were stressed and anxious at the time, or there’s some unresolved problem (or bed) in the relationship that keeps bubbling up, or perhaps you simply had a bad day and were feeling cranky. So you said something super shitty.
It sucks—you hurt a person you love, and now you probably feel guilty for being a total monster. But it’s important to remember that no one is perfect. “We all have the capacity to lose our cool,” says Herzog. “The thing that matters is how we recover and repair after something like this happens.” Here’s how to do exactly that.
Give your nervous system a chance to calm down.
If you just went berserk, chances are you’re not really feeling like yourself right now—maybe you’re angry or shaking or just feeling like a major brat. No matter the trigger, you snapped because your nervous system kicked into fight-or-flight mode and sorta went haywire, and when that happens your ability to respond calmly and think rationally goes out the window, Herzog explains. So if you want to remedy the situation, the first thing you need to do is bring your nervous system back down to baseline, she says.
Herzog’s go-to self-regulation tips: Go for a walk, splash your face with cold water, squeeze ice cubes in your hands until they’ve melted, take at least 10 deep breaths, or lie down and listen to relaxing music. These grounding activities stimulate the nervous system in a way that makes you feel calmer, she says.
Some people may only need 15 minutes or so to chill out and regulate their emotions, whereas others could require a day or two to feel like themselves again—it varies from person to person and situation to situation, according to Herzog. Take as much time as you need, because you’ll want to feel relaxed and centered as you go through the next steps.
Reflect on what the hell just happened.
Next, Herzog recommends reviewing (in your head or on paper) what, exactly, went down. There’s usually something that festered and caused you to get worked up, she says, and pinpointing the source(s) of your blow-up can help you move forward.
Ask yourself what was really going on beneath the surface. Identify the specific emotions you felt—maybe anger, fear, or sadness. Think about what triggered those feelings: Maybe your partner recently said something that stung and you’ve been holding a grudge about it, or you’re tired of having the same argument over and over again.
Dig deep. This is your opportunity to reflect and “get perspective on why you did what you did so that you can move into repairing and then not repeating” this behavior, Herzog says.
Apologize—and get specific.
Once you understand why you reacted the way you did, it’s time to take accountability and say you’re sorry. Research shows that people are way more likely to forgive their loved ones if they— wait for it—directly apologize for their wrongdoings. Invite your partner to chat by saying something like, “Are you open to talking about what just happened?” Don’t assume they want to talk to you right away though, Herzog says. They may need their own time and space to calm down and reflect.
When you both feel up to it, start by letting them know you realize that you reacted poorly, Herzog recommends, and tell them you’re sorry your behavior was hurtful and that lashing out is not how you want to show up in the relationship. Explain why you lost your cool—again, maybe you’re sick of fighting about, say, how you divvy up childcare or cleaning responsibilities, or you’ve just been in a MOOD all day because you got a crappy night’s sleep.
You can also share how you plan on preventing this kind of outburst from happening again in the future. If, for example, you and your partner keep butting heads about finances, schedule a set time to calmly address your money concerns and goals so you don’t spontaneously jump down their throat and catch them off guard, Herzog recommends. Or maybe you can work on identifying when you start to get worked up (mindfulness can help with that) so you can remove yourself and relax your nervous system before things escalate. “It’s important that you make a commitment to change and that you follow through with actions,” she says.
If you can’t figure out what you need to do to keep your explosions to a minimum, consider meeting with a therapist. They can help you make sense of why you snapped at your loved one and give you tools to nip that behavior in the bud. No one wants to be cruel to the people they care about the most—but sometimes your emotions get the best of you and atrocities come out of your mouth. It’s what you do afterward that counts (I’m buying the damn bed, people!).
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